Check In

I made a goal at the beginning of this year that I was going to write a blog post at least every Sunday. The past two Sundays have come and gone without updates for a very good reason. We moved! Yay! It has been a whirlwind of activity getting everything ready to move and now getting settled in. It went very smoothly (for a move) in large part to the help we had. Rebecca came for about 4 days and then Mom came for another few days. At the time Mom left we were in really good shape to get out of the rental when we had planned. Our first night in our new home was February 14th. It has been as fabulous as we anticipated, maybe even more so. Hooray for happy changes!

Gigi

This was my view on the way home from taking Anne to preschool on Tuesday. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The mountains typically are. Living in the shadows of this majesty is a daily reminder that my Heavenly Father loves me. After snapping this picture (I was parked, just to set aside any worries) I was reminded of one of my favorite hymns.

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly through the trees, 
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur, 
And hear the brook and feel the gently breeze:

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee,
How great thou art!
How great thou art!

I'm reminded of my grandma when I sing this song. I sang this song with Rachel and Sara at her funeral. I didn't make it through without crying. I don't know if I'll ever make it through the song again without crying.

I miss my grandmother.

I don't know if I ever knew how much she meant to me until she passed away. I don't say that in a regretful tone. Perhaps if I didn't have a knowledge that I will be with her again someday it would be more regretful. Instead that comment is full of gratitude.

Grandma wasn't going to live forever, even though some of us thought she was stubborn enough to try. We knew her time to move on from this life was coming. We didn't know exactly when, but she was aging. She was tired. She was lonely. Her passing wasn't a surprise and it wasn't too soon (if the death of a loved one can ever not be too soon).

Nonetheless, her absence is sometimes suffocating.

My grandmother and I had a special relationship, and she has been an important part of my life. My entire life. Summers, Easters, and Thanksgiving memories are all saturated with time spent at Grandma and Grandpa Williams. I came to Idaho for college and would visit the farm as often as I could find a ride and my schedule permitted me to. Transferring from Ricks to USU made it even more possible to visit Grandma and all the more meaningful, as Grandpa passed away the summer after I graduated from Ricks. Then I married and stayed in the area. Grandma still continued to be there for me and Brandon and I began making farm and Grandma memories together as a family.

She was one of the first people to meet each of my sweet babies.

Meeting William Brandon -- 1/2006

4 generations picture -- 1/2006

Meeting Marie Noelle -- 10/2007

4 generations -- 11/2007

Meeting Anne Kinslee -- 7/2010

Meeting Samuel Kevin -- 5/2012

She had a magic touch with babies. As a child I remember sitting in her house in the evenings. The day had been filled with horseback rides, exploring the haystack and barnyard, jumping on the trampoline, and finding whatever mischief the countryside had to offer. Grandpa would sit in his chair and all the girls would be lined up, freshly bathed and in clean pajamas, waiting for their turn to have their hair brushed and dried. Grandma would, inevitably, have a baby in her arms and she'd be singing to him/her. She never sang real words, just syllables, "la, de, da, da, de da".  Anyone in the room felt safe and warm and protected as they listened to her soothe the baby to sleep.

Safe and warm and protected. That was Grandma's gift to all who were blessed to know her. Since her passing it has been  a time of learning. Learning how to feel her love, even when her physical presence is gone. She's here. She's around. I know because I have felt her presence. However, without ever being able to see her eyes sparkle with love when she looks at me and without being able to hear her laugh and talk and pray, I miss her. I just miss her. And sometimes it is so strong that I am taken back by it. I didn't know I would miss her this much and that is saying something because I knew I would miss her a lot. I am so glad that I miss her. My gratitude for the imprint she left in my life is immense.

So, until we see our blessed Gigi again, I soak up the beautiful mornings when Heavenly Father reminds me that he loves me. I look at the mountains and I remember that Grandma loved them, too. And I say a prayer of gratitude for all that she left behind to remind that she isn't very far away after all.