Still Here

Tonight Brandon and I were trying to remember something and I jumped on my blog to verify when it actually happened. It was in 2009, the height of blogging, for me at least. After finding the post (about putting the sandbox in, if you are curious), I started to browse through the other posts that I had written at that time. Soon enough, I was laughing and crying and smiling and just plain loving the fact that I had made that history. I decided it wasn't a coincidence that I had that experience. I was reminded how much I appreciate that I have written down those memories.

So, to my future self that will be reading this years from now, I am doing this for you. It's so worth it. And to my current friends and family who rode out the trend and are still sticking around, thanks. All 3 of you.

Now, if only I had children that napped so I could be as consistent as I was back in the day.

A little too much wishful thinking there.

Missing the Good Ol' Days

The last time somebody commented on my blog was more than 3 months ago. In the height of the blog craze, before Facebook and then Instagram took over, I used to look forward to blog comments daily. I'm kind of over all social media lately, as I find I cannot disconnect my mind from what I read when I'm not reading it. On top of juggling my relationship with my husband and my kids and all that entails, and maintaining relationships with my siblings, and trying to figure out the enigma that is my relationship with my in-laws, and keeping up with friends in order to support them through their current phases .... well, on top of that, I feel the need to give all my Facebook and Instagram friends the validation they are craving because if they didn't need validation they wouldn't have posted publicly about whatever it was that they just posted. Then I read a post that fires me up emotionally and I have to talk myself down from responding in a way I will regret later or I do respond and I regret it and can't stop thinking about it. So, to short this rambling rant, basically, I am trying to wean myself off of social media. But not my blog because it is my journal, too. Although, I am sad that it has sat neglected much more often than it used to sit neglected. And I'm sad to admit that part of that is because people actually used to read my blog and comment. It was validating. There is that lovely word again. And there I am back at the start of the post, lamenting the fact that no one comments anymore and few people read this lovely blog of mine. And do you know what, I'm really okay with that, but it leads me to consider going completely private with it. I write differently if I do think I have an audience, compared to if I am just planning on posterity reading it many years from now when I have kicked the bucket. The moral of the story: if anytime soon you lose access to this blog, all 1 or 2 readers that may or may not exist, just know that it's not you, it's me. Cheers.

Have Courage and Be Kind

 Anne has been asking for months if the movie theaters were open yet for the summer so that we could see Cinderella. She refused to understand the truth, that the theaters are always open. I love 4 year old logic. So, opening weekend we bought tickets and had a girl's night out to the theater. we also discovered that we are pretty rotten at taking a group selfie together.

The movie was magical and beautiful. It exceeded my expectations, as I was mostly sad that they were making something to replace one of my childhood favorites. It passed the test though, and if this is what my girls grow up watching, I am more than pleased with that.

 We finished off the night with some cupcakes, Marie's favorite treat. Anne chose a cookie. As long as whatever treat she eats is chocolate, she's happy.

Fun time with my girls!

Sammy Turns 3!

We made it! We celebrated our first holiday in our new house. I'm not sure who anticipated the event more, me or him.

 The morning started off with waffles, berries, and cream. And a birthday candle was a must. We loved watching him sing to himself and then excitedly blow out the candle.

 By request we had a Lightening McQueen birthday party which consisted of, well, watching Lightening McQueen. (Disney Cars) Pizza, popcorn, and root beer were on the menu. Breadsticks for Sammy, the silly little eater that currently wouldn't eat pizza.

 And cupcakes to finish off the celebration.

 For the record, he ate the cupcakes.

 One that evening and a couple more the next morning, while hiding behind the kitchen island, when he should have been eating breakfast.

I never want to forget his absolute enthusiasm for his birthday this year. I never want to forget watching him carefully position his fingers so he could sign that he was now "3!" His giggles and squeals as he opened up his presents. His big grin when we sang to him. His eagerness to tell everybody it was HIS birthday! He is curious and energetic and loves to explore and loves to celebrate. We love our Sam!

Beginnings and Endings

The past three weeks have been full of beginnings and endings. The kids said goodbye to friends and a school that they adored. It was hard, especially for William, which we fully expected. I was so proud of the kids. They held their heads up high through a daunting task. Having Aunt Becca and Grandma come to stay for a few days helped all of us. Having the help with cooking, cleaning, and nurturing gave me the mental clarity to prepare for the move in a way I've never been able to do before. Because I wasn't stressed, I felt more able to be present with the kids. I could recognize when they were looking a little extra sad and needed a hug. I was able to sit down and talk with them as they worked through the emotions of this experience, whenever they needed it. It was such a blessing to move through this change as smoothly as possible.

The last day of school at Leadership Learning Academy ended up also being the Valentine's Class Parties.

Marie's Valentine box. She did not have a specific vision and refused to allow me to show her ideas from Pinterest. She just wanted to have at it with a table full of supplies. She did just that and it turned out quite cute.

William, on the other hand, specifically wanted a Pirate's Ship. I showed him a couple of pictures and then he and Grandma came up with a very awesome creation. It was the hit of his class, although that wasn't his goal, it was just a little perk.

 I need to have Marie and William tell me the names of these cute kids they became good friends with.

 This is Luke, William's best school friend. They were troublemakers together, but also encouraged creativity in each other that was fun to watch. LEGO creations, dragon sketches, and made up stories filled William's back pack and his mind through his friendship with Luke. Luke's family is moving to South Ogden, so we will be just a bit closer to him than Layton would be. We hope to maintain a relationship with him and his family.

 The teachers. Mrs. Winfrey, Ms. Coffman, and Mrs. Nikolaev. 

Marie and William both agree that Ms. Coffman was their absolute favorite with Mrs. Winfrey running a VERY close second. We had some trouble with Mrs. Nikolaev, but she sure did love to talk to the kids about Russia and they loved to share with me what they learned. 

 Little Miss Marie insisted on a picture with her kindergarten teacher, too. Miss Larkin was the perfect match for Marie. She's a fun loving and organized teacher. The best kind there is!

The weekend came and went (with lots and lots of moving in the mix) and just like that they became the new kids at a new school. The highlight of their first day was being able to wear "regular clothes" instead of uniforms.

 I took them to the school on Friday afternoon so they could meet their teachers before the morning of their first day. It eased their nerves quite a bit and I'm glad it worked out for us to do that.

 William has Mr. Fischer, who has been lauded as the best 3rd grade teacher at the school. He thinks it's pretty cool to have a "boy teacher" and I think it will be great for him.

 Marie has fallen in love with her teacher, Mrs. Maw. She is kind and silly and speaks right to a 1st graders fun loving heart.

I want my kids to always know how awesome they are for going through this challenge. This was a hard thing they had to do and they've made it through. Well, we're still making it through, but things are looking great so far. They are troopers!

Check In

I made a goal at the beginning of this year that I was going to write a blog post at least every Sunday. The past two Sundays have come and gone without updates for a very good reason. We moved! Yay! It has been a whirlwind of activity getting everything ready to move and now getting settled in. It went very smoothly (for a move) in large part to the help we had. Rebecca came for about 4 days and then Mom came for another few days. At the time Mom left we were in really good shape to get out of the rental when we had planned. Our first night in our new home was February 14th. It has been as fabulous as we anticipated, maybe even more so. Hooray for happy changes!

Gigi

This was my view on the way home from taking Anne to preschool on Tuesday. It was breathtakingly beautiful. The mountains typically are. Living in the shadows of this majesty is a daily reminder that my Heavenly Father loves me. After snapping this picture (I was parked, just to set aside any worries) I was reminded of one of my favorite hymns.

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly through the trees, 
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur, 
And hear the brook and feel the gently breeze:

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to thee,
How great thou art!
How great thou art!

I'm reminded of my grandma when I sing this song. I sang this song with Rachel and Sara at her funeral. I didn't make it through without crying. I don't know if I'll ever make it through the song again without crying.

I miss my grandmother.

I don't know if I ever knew how much she meant to me until she passed away. I don't say that in a regretful tone. Perhaps if I didn't have a knowledge that I will be with her again someday it would be more regretful. Instead that comment is full of gratitude.

Grandma wasn't going to live forever, even though some of us thought she was stubborn enough to try. We knew her time to move on from this life was coming. We didn't know exactly when, but she was aging. She was tired. She was lonely. Her passing wasn't a surprise and it wasn't too soon (if the death of a loved one can ever not be too soon).

Nonetheless, her absence is sometimes suffocating.

My grandmother and I had a special relationship, and she has been an important part of my life. My entire life. Summers, Easters, and Thanksgiving memories are all saturated with time spent at Grandma and Grandpa Williams. I came to Idaho for college and would visit the farm as often as I could find a ride and my schedule permitted me to. Transferring from Ricks to USU made it even more possible to visit Grandma and all the more meaningful, as Grandpa passed away the summer after I graduated from Ricks. Then I married and stayed in the area. Grandma still continued to be there for me and Brandon and I began making farm and Grandma memories together as a family.

She was one of the first people to meet each of my sweet babies.

Meeting William Brandon -- 1/2006

4 generations picture -- 1/2006

Meeting Marie Noelle -- 10/2007

4 generations -- 11/2007

Meeting Anne Kinslee -- 7/2010

Meeting Samuel Kevin -- 5/2012

She had a magic touch with babies. As a child I remember sitting in her house in the evenings. The day had been filled with horseback rides, exploring the haystack and barnyard, jumping on the trampoline, and finding whatever mischief the countryside had to offer. Grandpa would sit in his chair and all the girls would be lined up, freshly bathed and in clean pajamas, waiting for their turn to have their hair brushed and dried. Grandma would, inevitably, have a baby in her arms and she'd be singing to him/her. She never sang real words, just syllables, "la, de, da, da, de da".  Anyone in the room felt safe and warm and protected as they listened to her soothe the baby to sleep.

Safe and warm and protected. That was Grandma's gift to all who were blessed to know her. Since her passing it has been  a time of learning. Learning how to feel her love, even when her physical presence is gone. She's here. She's around. I know because I have felt her presence. However, without ever being able to see her eyes sparkle with love when she looks at me and without being able to hear her laugh and talk and pray, I miss her. I just miss her. And sometimes it is so strong that I am taken back by it. I didn't know I would miss her this much and that is saying something because I knew I would miss her a lot. I am so glad that I miss her. My gratitude for the imprint she left in my life is immense.

So, until we see our blessed Gigi again, I soak up the beautiful mornings when Heavenly Father reminds me that he loves me. I look at the mountains and I remember that Grandma loved them, too. And I say a prayer of gratitude for all that she left behind to remind that she isn't very far away after all.